The list of things I've learned the hard way in relationships......

~ If you read both my blogs, you'll see this twice. I am going off topic today to put this out there for some friends having relationship woes.~

I have said this many times to many friends, Don't waste your time on someone that's not willing to waste their time on you. This is always my first piece of advice. It may sound pretty simple but sometimes we want something so badly that we can't see the reality of what's actually occurring. And we go tripping after things that are better left alone. Usually this ends up with a lot of hurt, regret and tears. And a phone call late at night from a friend, so this is why I am putting it down here.I've been saying these things a lot and perhaps others can benefit from my hard lessons learned navigating the tempestuous waters of romantic relationships.

In recent weeks, several friends have asked me for advice, insight, etc on relationships. I'm not an expert by any stretch, I've been married a couple of times, divorced and have had many relationships and gone on scores of dates both good & abysmally bad. But, I have found certain things to be true more often than not.

1. Men love a challenge, they want to chase you and feel like they had to work to catch you. If you give in too quickly, they get bored and move on to the next hunt.

2. Men are turned off by needy, clingy women. If you're looking for someone to take care of you, maybe you should move back in with your dad. If you do find a guy that wants to take care of you, good for you, but don't be surprised when he tries to control you and every aspect of your life. There are strings attached to those situations and you will get tripped up by them eventually. There are NO free lunches or dinners, they usually want something for their "generosity" and it usually involves a sexual favor.

3. Men love a woman who is confident, happy and have lives of their own - they want to be with someone that's got their shit together. (see #2)

4. Men are simple creatures - sex, food, sex, sports, sex, sleep, sex. If he's not into sex with you, it's likely he's into sex with someone else.

5. Men don't read into things or over analyze things the way we do. Don't leave it up to them to figure out why you're mad, sad, upset, etc. They wont. Be direct. The more you pout and act like "he should just know" the less attractive you become to him.

6. Men want to feel desired, just like you. They like to feel sexy and needed. (Needy women, do NOT confuse this issue.) Compliment him, tell him he looks hot and notice if he cuts his hair or puts extra effort into his appearance. They like to be admired just like we do.

7. Men like it when you initiate sex (see #6). They want to feel like you're attracted to them and they're not always the aggressor. Don't get me wrong, they LOVE to be in control and to ravage you in the bedroom but they also like when you ravage them back or surprise them with something hot and sexy. So go ahead, jump on top of him and pin him down, I guarantee he'll get hot and bothered in a quick second and flip you onto your back and you'll probably have some of the hottest sex you've ever had together.

8. Men will bail if you try to trap them. Manipulative women, I'm talking to you. Do NOT try to trap your man with a pregnancy scare. Relationships are scary enough, telling him you're about to have his baby will only make him freak out and run for the hills. If you're really pregnant, that's one thing and should be handled appropriately, but if you're trying to "test" him or trick him, you're in for a BIG surprise. Just because you're his "baby mama" doesn't mean he'll marry you, stay with you, or even stick around. He might pull a vanishing act and leave you holding the bag, or belly as it were. If he's scared of commitment a fake baby is not going to help at all.

9. Men lie. So do women (see #8). If you catch him in a lie, and it's significant, you should probably rethink why you're with this person and why settle for a liar when there are other available, honest men out there. And you don't need that drama. People lie for all kinds of reasons, but if he's supposed to be at Mike's house, and he's at a bar alone (or with another woman), it's time to walk away from this now. I don't care how hot he is, what you think he's capable of doing/becoming, this is only going to end with you upset, weeks, months or years down the road and miles of wasted time behind you.

10. Men don't change. Don't look at him and see "potential". You are forcing your idea of what you think he COULD become onto who he is NOW. This line of thinking will only serve to disappoint you and set him up for epic failure. If you don't like him the way he is, he'll never be enough, no matter how much "potential" you think he has.

11. Not all men are assholes. But a lot are. If you encounter an asshole, don't tolerate his asshole-ness. You are teaching him how to treat you. If you tolerate his behavior, you're responsible for your own misery. YOU are choosing to stay with an asshole so don't bitch about it. Either leave him or suffer in silence.

12. Never, EVER, ask a man if he thinks you're fat. NEVER. This is a trap. You are trapping him into an argument. AND, he will tell you the truth or he will lie. And if he lies, it's because he's trying to spare your feelings. Don't cuss him out for lying. He's trying not to be trapped and also not to be cut off from sex.

13. NEVER tell a man, I'll cut you off from sex. You can't cut him off because you might not know where he's getting it from. You are not the only vagina in the universe. And men will pretty much have sex with anyone or anything (American Pie proved this point - 3 times) Giving a man an ultimatum will backfire every time.

14. Men hate to be nagged. I hate the word Nag. One of the definitions of Nag, is an old, inferior, or worthless horse. And this is how he'll perceive you and eventually he'll want a pretty, young, agreeable filly if you continue w/the nagging. My husband does NOT like to clean, and I know if he helps he'll do the most half ass job possible and I'll have to go behind him and do it all over. What is the point of nagging him to do something he hates, sucks at, when I could be done with it myself and avoid the entire conversation? No, I don't want to do all the cleaning. However, I know that this is not his strength and never will be. Instead, when something gnarly needs doing, he does it. Like cleaning my hair out of the sink drain. It's my hair, but he is the man, and knows that I expect the really gross things done by him since I clean everything else. And, he gets to gloat about it. This makes him happy. He did something gross that I wouldn't do. This may infuriate some of you "independent ladies" but this is how it is, no amount of feigning disbelief will change it. Stop nagging him. He will only dig in his heels further.

15. Men hate confrontation - choose your battles wisely (see #14).
They don't want to fight with you. If they do, run, this is a red flag. Is it really worth it to fight over his boots in middle of the floor? Or his inability to load the dishwasher? No. Just skip it. If he drains your bank account, gets a DUI, grabs your mom's/best friend's ass, these are subjects worthy of fighting about. Just remember, you are the more analytical of the sexes, use your brain ladies and don't pick a fight just to be right or get in the last word.

16. Your happiness is not hinged to someone's approval of you or love for you. You have to be enough without him to be enough with him. No one should "complete you". They should be a compliment to your life, not the sole reason for living it.

17. You are responsible for the state of your life. If you're unhappy, find a way to change it. If you're in a bad relationship, get out of it. Don't sit and despair, you only get one life, make the most of it.

18. There are no dress rehearsals in this life. Once you're dead, that's it. You don't get bonus points in heaven for being a doormat. Too many of my friends let people walk on them. Grow a spine, some balls, or whatever, and stand up for yourself. You'll feel better and people will take notice they can't walk on you anymore.

19. You teach people how to treat you. This is truer than you can imagine. Every time you tolerate behavior that you don't like, you're sending a signal that you're allowing that behavior to pass unchecked. If you stop it the first time, you can usually prevent it from happening again. This works in all areas of your life - work & relationships.

20. If a man cheats to be with you, he will cheat on you. I know women that will argue, oh no, he's different with me. No, you're not the golden vagina that will curb his cheating ways. If he cheats to be with you, he'll cheat to be with someone else while he's dating you.

21. Trust your gut. If you think you should leave or it's over, you should start packing.

22. Listen to your friends. If all of your friends think this guy is a giant douche bag and you find yourself making excuses for him like, "you don't know what he says to me in private", "he's different when we're alone", then they're right, he's a douche bag. Your friends are a much better barometer for detecting a jerk than you are, especially if that jerk is hot or has charm. I have dated some hot guys and let myself "think with my dick" as i like to say. No, I don't have a dick, but I let my need for hot sex rule me more times than I care to admit. We are blinded by our hormones and sometimes, we need an intervention. Or Seal Team Six to extract our dumb lovesick/horny asses out of that situation.

23. Being alone for the right reasons is much better than being with someone for the wrong ones. His dick is not the only dick in the universe. There are billions of people on this planet, and I guarantee, more than one of them will treat you better and be a good match for you. And it's completely FINE to be alone. It's liberating and fun. I have a lot of friends, male and female, that are happy living their lives without a partner. They travel, go to movies, have lots of friends and none of it hinges on being part of a couple. This idea that coupledom is the end all be all is ridiculous. You are not a failure if you're single. Being single can be fun, exciting and very healthy. Don't fear the single life, embrace it!

24. DON'T SETTLE!!! (see #23).

25. If he really likes you, is into you, etc., He WILL make time for you. No matter how busy he is, he'll make time. If he doesn't call, he's not interested, so just let it go. Don't flood him with calls and texts. Move on. Otherwise you look needy and desperate. And there's no challenge involved. (see #1, 2 & 3)

26. Texting is not dating. Texting is not mysterious. Texting is lame. If a guy only texts you, he's not interested. He is keeping you in the wings as his fall back plan. You are plan B, C, D, etc. You are NO ONE's plan B! Texting is what guys do when they want a booty call. I refer to this as: "Vagina under glass - Break in case of emergency/sexual drought/desperation". They are using you for one thing and you're letting them. If they can't be bothered to actually call you, they're not interested in you.

27. If you've been "dating" for a while ( a month or more) and haven't met any of his friends, only one of you thinks you're really dating. And it's not him.

28. Offer to pay for dinner even if you don't really mean it. No guy wants to feel like you're using him for his money, and while most will probably not let you pay, they want to feel like you're at least willing to split the bill. This shows them you're not presumptuous or feeling entitled but also allows them to look like a gentleman. Also, taking him to dinner is nice too. Paying for things all the time can get expensive, offer to take him out for a change. Some guys are really uncomfortable with this but a lot of my guy friends have told me they think this is really nice gesture and it gives you major points in their eyes.

29. The flip side to that: If you're always paying for everything and he's always forgetting his wallet/atm/short on cash/etc...you're his sugar mama. And he's a mooch. Run now. Unless you like being a sugar mama.

30. If he comes crawling back to you, proclaiming how much he's changed, don't take him back. Congratulate him on his personal growth and then part ways. People don't change. We romanticize the past and remember the good things and blur the reason why we broke up. Everyone loves the idea of a guy figuring out you were the best thing in his life and he's a fool for letting you go. But there's a reason you werent compatible in the first place, and that reason is most likely still there, under all his regret and it WILL pop back up, eventually. You've been warned. This too, is a trap. I blame Hollywood.

31. And finally, your life is NOT a movie. I don't know anyone whose life plays out like a Hollywood script with the romance, happy ending, etc. There's a reason for this, these stories are FICTION. It's escapism at it's finest. Stop trying to have that Lloyd Dobler holding the boom box moment or Jake Ryan showing up at the wedding or even better, the guy in the middle of the crowded room proclaiming you're THE ONE to everyone in the world (Love Actually, Valentine's Day, Wedding Singer, The Notebook, Pretty in Pink, Dirty Dancing, Titanic, Notting Hill, The Wedding Date, The Proposal - pretty much anything with a wedding in it, The Holiday, and nearly every rom-com out there). This does not exist. Your life is not being directed by Nora Ephron or John Hughes. It's being directed by YOU. You are the leading lady of your own life, so stop waiting for direction or a sign from "the universe". Go out there and live it.

I could go on and on with this list.
The point is, only you have to the power to make yourself happy or miserable. Everything is just a degree of the choices we make. Usually if you're asking yourself questions like, why am I with him? What am I doing here? You already know the answer but you just don't want to face what you're going to have to do to make your life better. I've been there. I know. I've had to make the unfortunate decisions to leave someone, break up with someone, cut someone/something toxic out of my life. It sucks, but months from now, you'll feel better and you'll see that it was the right decision.

Don't be afraid to make decisions, it will paralyze you with fear. A lack of action can also lead you to places/situations you don't want to be in. If you don't make the decision, someone else might just make it for you. So, make your decisions, own them and take a new path. You might just be surprised where you end.

It's your life, stop letting other people control it.

I'm going to leave you with several quotes that have inspired me to live my life with conviction and purpose.


~"Don't aim at success - the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue... as the unintended side-effect of one's personal dedication to a course greater than oneself."

~ The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. ~ Steve Jobs

~ If today were the last of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today. ~ Steve Jobs

~ Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to make the big choices in life. ~ Steve Jobs

~ Remembering that you're going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. you are already naked. there is no reason not to follow your heart. ~ Steve Jobs

~There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results~

~It's a sad day when you find out that it's not accident or time or fortune, but just yourself that kept things from you~